Chapter 1: Embracing Change

Recently, I visited my friend Jen's backyard alongside my best friend. Jen (@eatzenwithjen) is an incredible person. We connected at a retreat last year and instantly hit it off. She has a passion for cold water therapy and owns a cold plunge tub and sauna in her garage in Innisfil. Jen also hosts various healing sessions, including free-flow afternoons. You should definitely check her out!

On that day, my best friend and I met at Vaughan Mills early in the morning to carpool. Our goal was to let go of negativity. However, while waiting for her, I found myself scrolling through Instagram, watching old lifting videos of myself, and reflecting on my "former" physique. It turned into a session of doom-scrolling through my own feed.

Before long, feelings of sadness and regret washed over me. I thought, "You didn’t truly appreciate your fit, lean, and strong body when you had it." While I celebrated my achievements, I questioned whether I was genuinely in awe of my physical capabilities.

In my prime, I could snatch my body weight, was close to achieving a 300-pound back squat, and could handstand walk over 40 feet. Unfortunately, injuries have set me back significantly, and it feels like it will take ages to recover. It seems like I'm stuck in a cycle of making progress only to regress due to these injuries, and I'm beginning to doubt whether I'll ever lift overhead more than 150 pounds again.

It's time to stop the pity party. I know my limitations, and I acknowledge my achievements. Setbacks happen, and I can only work with what my body allows me. When I experience flare-ups, it indicates that I haven't fully mastered my healing process.

What I find myself contemplating now is whether returning to my previous state from five years ago is realistic. More than anything, I want to achieve a 200-pound snatch and a double 300-pound back squat again. But is that truly achievable? Am I merely chasing the ghost of my past? Am I destined to always struggle with "back problems"?

I refuse to accept that as I approach 40, I cannot regain my former strength. The thought of that is almost more painful than any injury I've faced this year. Many others have done it, so why not me? This idea often resurfaces in my mind. My body responds to the messages my mind sends, and I am working on cultivating positive, healing thoughts. I talk to myself in an encouraging manner. I will not allow my emotions to defeat my determination to grow stronger.

It simply won’t happen.

Perhaps I need to stop viewing my situation through the lens of my past. The real change may lie in shifting my focus towards what I can achieve now. I will strive to be as strong as my body permits without constantly facing injuries. Feeling good and strong is possible, regardless of how much weight is on the bar. Although my ego may disagree, it’s my responsibility to manage those thoughts.

Why can’t I feel proud of my current state?

I am not living in the past anymore. I am focused on optimizing my body during this part of my journey. I have a wealth of knowledge at my disposal, and I am determined to figure this out. I can still aim for my old records, but with kindness and acceptance that I might not reach them.

AND THAT'S OK.

It doesn’t diminish my worth. It doesn’t reduce my capacity to be loved, successful, or sufficient. I can cherish both the previous version of myself and the new one that embodies persistence, resilience, and dedication.

Just as the numbers on the scale do not define me, the weights I lift do not either.

I am worthy, lovable, and sufficient in every phase of my fitness journey. Fear of missing out (FOMO) is merely a mental construct, as are the ghosts of my fitness past. I was strong then, and I am strong now. It may look different, but the essence remains the same. Both realities can coexist.

Section 1.1: The Power of Letting Go

In this section, we explore the significance of releasing past expectations and embracing the present. Letting go allows us to cultivate a healthier mindset and improve our overall well-being.

Subsection 1.1.1: Finding Strength in Acceptance

Chapter 2: Chasing New Goals

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