Chapter 1: The Journey Begins

A West African plant guided me on a path toward self-love. While I received the insights I sought, they were not what I had anticipated.

My first encounter with iboga, a psychoactive plant from Gabon, is unclear. However, I began to notice it more frequently about a year ago. My curiosity prompted further exploration, only for it to fade away temporarily.

During my extensive 5,000-mile road trip, iboga resurfaced with significant synchronicities. My experiences with plant medicine have taught me to remain open and attentive to such reoccurrences in my life.

Eventually, I found myself at an iboga retreat hosted by Awaken Your Soul in Costa Rica, a place rich in resources about this unique plant.

Prior to participating, I focused on setting an intention for my experience. The work I had engaged in over the last few years, particularly the past year, felt like it was culminating in this moment. My primary desire became clear: I wanted to learn how to love myself.

Reflecting on it now, I realize I secretly hoped for iboga to magically transform my self-love overnight. I wanted this transformation to occur because of my previous efforts—my countless inquiries, my willingness to step outside my comfort zone.

However, the message I received from the medicine was far from what I wished to hear. There was no miraculous transformation, not even close.

Despite not receiving the answer I had expected, I did indeed get what I asked for. I sought to understand self-love, and throughout the week, I was shown the necessary work ahead of me.

New, profound connections emerged in various areas of my life. It was astonishing to realize how blind I had been to certain truths about myself, despite their constant presence over the years.

Interestingly, during the formal ceremonies, my experiences with iboga were primarily physical. Unlike my interactions with other plant medicines, where I often engaged in meaningful dialogues, my time with iboga was different.

Physically, it was unmistakable that I was working with a powerful psychoactive substance. I felt incapacitated during the 12-hour ceremony and much of the following day, which is typical for iboga.

In contrast, the conscious work took place outside of the ceremonies. Here, I made connections, realizations, and revelations.

Before the first ceremony, I participated in a sound healing session led by a facilitator. This was a new experience for me and left me in tears for what felt like 10 to 15 minutes.

During this emotional release, I found myself asking, for the first time, to hold the hand of another man. I craved that connection, support, and grounding—an experience that felt both raw and awakening. Even now, the vulnerability from that moment lingers close to the surface.

Between the first and second ceremonies, we engaged in a holotropic breathwork session. While I had some familiarity with this technique, the effects of iboga heightened my response significantly. I found myself sobbing violently into a pillow, releasing buried feelings of rage and grief.

These emotions, long suppressed, surged forth. I distinctly felt a sharp, metallic sensation in my stomach, almost as if I were viewing an X-ray of my internal struggles.

The pivotal realization I had during this week was that the path to self-love required me to confront and process my childhood emotions regarding my father.

I have a complex relationship with my father, who is a recluse. I feel a mix of compassion and confusion toward him, but there is no genuine bond.

For most of my life, I harbored feelings of anger and hurt toward him. In recent years, I've attempted to release that negative energy. However, revisiting those tumultuous emotions felt exhausting and infuriating. My ego insisted that I deserved recognition for the time I had already invested in healing.

I had hoped to move past my father's influence, believing he didn't merit any of my energy. Processing those memories felt like an overwhelming task.

Ultimately, I realized that this work isn’t about him. It’s not about blaming him either. It’s about my inner child. I must metaphorically travel back in time to connect with my younger self.

As I prepared to work with iboga, I committed to doing whatever was necessary. I promised myself that I would follow through.

Engaging in this process, I ponder how much of it involves learning to trust the space and tools around me, as well as life itself. Trusting allows me to spend more time genuinely observing and less time striving to control outcomes.

At present, I acknowledge that the only way out of this struggle is to confront it head-on.

The first video, "Loving Myself - Alpha Aminata," explores the journey of self-love and healing through personal stories and insights.

The second video, "Rasta Healing Herbs & Plants MASTERCLASS with Buru!" delves into the healing properties of various plants and their significance in personal development.