Chapter 1: The Struggle for Connection with Faith

In many Southern Baptist communities across the U.S., the emphasis lies heavily on cultivating a "personal relationship" with Jesus Christ. Yet, for many, including myself, this pursuit often leads to frustration and self-doubt. The idea that one can ever achieve closeness with the divine felt more like an impossible task; I constantly battled with the notion that no matter what I did, it was never enough.

I tried various approaches to deepen my faith: prayer, Bible study, church attendance, mission trips, and reading countless Christian self-help books. I sought guidance from pastors and even experimented with Theophostic therapy. I switched churches, embraced fasting, and engaged in daily devotionals, all in an effort to connect with Jesus. Despite my relentless efforts, I never truly felt His presence. Instead, I found myself sinking deeper into self-loathing.

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Section 1.1: Childhood Fears and Religious Expectations

As a child, my struggle to feel "close" to Jesus began to emerge. I was a typical elementary school student, albeit one shaped by fundamentalist beliefs and trauma. My shyness and introversion were compounded by bullying, and I felt an overwhelming pressure to be "good" in the eyes of God. Listening to sermons, I was haunted by the fear that, if tested, I would fail and be condemned.

The parables shared by the preacher illustrated the divide between the wise and foolish, instilling a deep-seated belief that I would inevitably fall into the latter category. This conviction grew, particularly after my first mission trip, leaving me burdened with guilt for not praying or reading my Bible enough, further distancing me from the faith I desperately sought.

#### Subsection 1.1.1: The Weight of Perfectionism

Section 1.2: The Guilt Intensifies

As I transitioned into middle and high school, my feelings of inadequacy only intensified. Listening to heavy metal music—a genre often condemned by my church—was my only outlet for the anger I felt. Despite knowing the risks of sin, I found solace in the raw expression of rage that heavy metal provided. Yet, I couldn't escape the guilt of neglecting my spiritual duties, which created an emotional barrier between myself and Jesus.

Chapter 2: The Quest for Redemption

In college and graduate school, my efforts to draw closer to Jesus escalated. I dived into various spiritual practices: lengthy prayer sessions, meditation on scripture, attending church regularly, and engaging with self-help literature. I tried everything, yet the more I sought, the more distant I felt. My attempts culminated in moments of despair, where I found myself pleading for forgiveness for being a "failure" in my faith journey.

Bishop Barron on Having a “Personal Relationship” with Jesus

In this insightful discussion, Bishop Barron delves into the complexities of establishing a personal connection with Jesus, emphasizing the importance of genuine faith over mere ritual.

Sunday Service - When God Doesn't Restore A Broken Relationship

This service explores the challenges faced when divine intervention seems absent, providing solace and understanding for those grappling with broken connections.

Section 2.1: Discovering Religious Trauma Syndrome

In 2017, I discovered that I was not alone in my struggles. My partner introduced me to the concept of Religious Trauma Syndrome (RTS), revealing countless stories of individuals who shared similar experiences of guilt, anxiety, and fear instilled by their faith. RTS, recognized as a form of Complex PTSD, highlights the mental health implications of such trauma.

Section 2.2: The Path to Healing

It is vital to understand that no one should endure the burdens of RTS indefinitely. Healing is achievable, often through therapy. A loving deity would not wish for anyone to live with anxiety, depression, or low self-worth. Instead, faith should empower and uplift, not bind individuals in chains of self-hatred.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that a religion should foster healing and growth. If it fails to do so, questioning its value becomes imperative. Life is challenging enough without the added weight of guilt and fear. It is essential for everyone to seek a path that nurtures their well-being and spiritual journey.