Understanding Relationship Anxiety

At this very moment, I encountered a trigger for my relationship anxiety. Overcoming this distressing mental state without falling back into old, harmful patterns feels akin to pushing a colossal boulder uphill without any shoes. It seems that grappling with relationship anxiety is part of my journey, but the path is often painful and isolating.

If you find yourself questioning whether you share this anxious experience or simply wish to see if others face similar struggles, grab some popcorn and join me on this brief exploration…

I ventured downstairs for a cup of coffee. As I made my way, I caught sight of my partner tenderly interacting with our puppy, and instinctively wanted to capture the moment. My phone was turned off, so I reached for his, only to discover it was not on its usual spot on the counter but rather on the desk next to him.

“Hypervigilance, please step forward.” (Photo by Kyle Head on Unsplash)

In that moment, I asked him for his phone to take a photo, but he replied, “No, I don’t want a picture.” That single response was enough to trigger my sympathetic nervous system. I felt a rush of fear, akin to a powerful electric shock coursing through my chest. My mind immediately conjured up various scenarios that fueled my anxiety. “He must be texting other women.” “He’s hiding something from me.” “He doesn’t want me to see what he’s doing.”

At this juncture, it felt impossible to think rationally. All I wanted was to flee the situation, but before I could do so, my mood shifted dramatically (something my partner easily recognizes), and I responded to his playful demeanor with hostility. This only served to heighten my self-created “stories” into deeper fears and doubts.

This exemplifies the essence of relationship anxiety, often disguised as jealousy. Thankfully, I was able to retreat upstairs, sit on my meditation cushion (where I had been blissfully seated just moments ago), and begin to soothe my nervous system. I reminded myself that I cannot experience two emotions simultaneously, so trying to replace anxiety with joy or love would be counterproductive. All I could do was sit.

Sit and become aware of the sensation. Observe the reaction without judgment or the urge to control it. (Photo by Misael Silvera on Unsplash)

My mind continued to generate endless “stories.” Instead, I chose to observe these thoughts as they passed through my consciousness. By doing this, I could witness my own existence. Gradually, my parasympathetic nervous system began to calm the intrusive electric feeling in my chest. As the mental barrage subsided, I returned to a more tranquil state.

I still felt a lingering sense of rejection, with tears threatening to escape. I allowed those feelings to flow through me while remaining seated on the cushion. Although I wasn’t able to summon feelings of love or joy by reflecting on positive memories of him just yet, I managed to reach a neutral emotional state, which felt like a significant achievement.

As I began to recall feelings of gratitude and affection for him, I started to cultivate a more blissful state of being. The process of overcoming relationship anxiety was not easy to learn, and it took me a long time to recognize its significance. It is a continuous journey that I have navigated through trial and error.

Reflecting on my experiences from four years ago, these situations would have unfolded entirely differently. I vividly remember feeling isolated in my triggers, lacking any tools, support, knowledge, or understanding. This was a recipe for excruciating emotional turmoil. I didn’t even grasp what a trigger was or what it was triggering.

I would often find myself in my truck, screaming, shaking the steering wheel in frustration, and crying so hard that I felt like my head might explode. There was no escape, and it was incredibly painful.

(Photo by Jan Kop?iva on Unsplash)

“I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy” is the only way I can articulate my experience. Even now, as I write, intrusive thoughts arise: “He’s being quiet. He’s on his phone. He doesn’t care. He’s avoiding me because it’s too exhausting.” This negative inner dialogue, accompanied by vivid imagery, engenders feelings of shame and guilt. These thoughts and visuals occur in mere seconds, often too quickly to prevent their escalation.

My partner is incredibly patient with me (most of the time), reassuring me without allowing me to invade his privacy. It often takes hours to neutralize the residual thoughts until I can ‘erase’ them and move forward to more joyful emotions devoid of anxiety. In this instance, it required roughly three hours of intentional work. I am also acutely aware that there are times when I don’t have the luxury to “escape and meditate.”

Managing relationship anxiety demands effort, research, and self-reflection every single day. When someone describes what it feels like to be secure in a relationship—living without fear or doubt during intimate moments—I find it difficult to understand. It’s akin to someone speaking a language I don’t comprehend. They may repeat the same phrase over and over, but I will never magically grasp its meaning. Yet, there are tools available for learning this ‘language,’ and using them gives me hope that one day I will understand.

This is where faith plays a crucial role, and that, my friends, can be quite the challenge.

Be sure to share your thoughts below… Do you relate to these experiences? Have you discovered any techniques that have helped you manage your anxiety? I would love to hear from you!

The first video titled "Relationship Anxiety or Gut Feeling?" delves into the nuances between genuine intuition and anxiety in relationships, helping viewers identify their feelings more clearly.

The second video, "Why You're Having Relationship Anxiety: Moving Toward Confidence & Healing," offers insights into overcoming anxiety in relationships, guiding viewers toward confidence and emotional healing.