Understanding the Need for Difficult Conversations

At some point in our lives, we all encounter experiences of mistreatment—whether real or imagined—that we feel are intolerable. This leads to the question: is simply walking away always the best choice?

There have been numerous instances where I chose to endure discomfort instead of addressing the issue directly. Fear of confrontation often left me feeling intimidated, and I hesitated to intervene, worried I might exacerbate the situation. As a result, I found myself ruminating over these conflicts, replaying various scenarios in my mind.

Why didn’t I speak up? I should have said something; surely I wouldn't want to appear weak or timid.

Eventually, I came to the realization that remaining silent isn’t always the solution. I’ve learned to carefully select my battles. When I do voice my concerns, I often face backlash, particularly from family. My mother, for instance, has frequently been critical, questioning my need to get involved:

“Why do you always have to stick your nose in? Let someone else handle it.”

To that, I respond, “Why shouldn’t I?” If I feel strongly about an issue and have the drive to address it, I believe I should take action.

Ironically, my mother often calls on me to tackle problems on her behalf. If someone she knows is struggling with a service provider or local authority, she confidently asserts that her daughter (me) will resolve it.

Trusting my instincts has been invaluable. I’ve started expressing my views more directly, always ensuring to do so respectfully. Moreover, I’ve learned to avoid reacting impulsively in heated situations where my judgment may be clouded. Now, I take time to reflect and seek advice when necessary, allowing me to strategize a more effective response.

Let me share a recent experience that left me quite perplexed. This involved a colleague I had scarcely interacted with in the two and a half years I had been at my job. Due to mobility issues, I asked someone to retrieve an item for me, and this colleague unexpectedly intervened, denying my request. Another coworker, who overheard the exchange, was outraged and went to get the item for me.

Initially, I tried to dismiss the incident and avoid escalating it. After all, I didn’t interact with this individual regularly, so why make a fuss? However, the feelings of hurt and injustice lingered, prompting me to discuss it with my line manager, who found the situation quite strange.

The following day, I requested a face-to-face meeting with my manager present. During this meeting, I clearly outlined my understanding of the situation and sought clarification from the colleague involved. They seemed caught off guard and ultimately admitted to denying my request, providing an explanation that was unconvincing. They apologized, acknowledging my perspective and recognizing the miscommunication that had occurred.

Relief washed over me; I felt a burden lift as they had to account for their actions. Although I didn’t expect a full acknowledgment of wrongdoing, expressing my feelings allowed me to process the incident and move forward.

For a long time, I struggled with feelings of guilt for being confrontational, when in reality, I was merely holding others accountable. I need to confront issues as they arise and not dwell on them.

I’m working on being kinder to myself. Ultimately, I don’t want to give others undue weight in my life.

The positive outcome of my confrontation with this colleague is that she now makes a genuine effort to communicate with me regularly. If I hadn’t addressed the issue, I would likely have harbored resentment, while she would have remained unaware of my feelings.

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