How to Survive a Party as an Introvert: A Guide for Partners
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Chapter 1: The Dreaded Invitation
“Hey, are you up for Amanda’s party?”
You know the answer you need to give.
You’ve been through this debate before. You promised to be more sociable. You’ve invented every excuse imaginable to avoid gatherings. You even pretended to be ill to skip a wedding.
“Sure, sounds good! When’s it happening?”
“Saturday at 7 PM. A lot of friends will be there! No need to arrive exactly at 7.”
“Awesome! Looking forward to it.”
Saturday at 7:01 PM
From three blocks away, the party noise envelops you.
The thumping bass and loud laughter pierce through your window. Someone is shouting, “I know!” repeatedly.
As the door swings open, a wave of warm, humid air rushes out. You’re greeted by a tightly packed crowd that looks like they’re trying to escape a fire.
She promised it would be a small gathering.
That’s alright.
You’re glad to be there, spending time together. That’s what matters.
Your gaze quickly falls on an inviting L-shaped couch. It calls to you, “Come sit, you wonderful soul. You can scroll on your phone here.”
To your left, an empty closet beckons, “Hey there, want to enjoy a blissful 90 minutes of solitude?”
Turning to your girlfriend, you declare, “This party looks fantastic!”
7:02 PM
A voice from across the room calls your name. It’s Rod. Oh no.
“Is that you!?”
It’s indeed you.
It’s Rod, the guy who spoiled The Lobster by chattering throughout the film. He attempted to predict each twist. He even made you pause the movie to discuss the ethics of crustacean consumption.
Keep it friendly. Don’t turn into a miserable hermit. Make connections.
7:04 PM
You spot a poodle in the kitchen. Perfect! Time to pet the poodle. Her name is Glitter. Share tales of your recent Cancun vacation; she’ll love it.
Disregard the extroverts who are loudly conversing about unrealistic plans. In the corner, another introvert catches your eye. His forced smile resonates with you—he is your kindred spirit.
Both of you are just content to be here.
7:07 PM
In the living room, you see Steven talking to a crowd. His wife stands beside him, unaware of his affair with a coworker. The mistress is providing your girlfriend with all the juicy gossip.
He’s quite the character. Unfortunately, he’s also a close-talker. If he gets too close, mention you’ve heard he’s fond of “watermelon”—that’s his and his mistress's safeword. He’ll retreat.
7:30 PM
Your girlfriend’s narcissistic ex-boyfriend is here.
She’s practically glowing while introducing him. He’s tall, dashing, and a charming physician.
You’re unfazed. You’re just happy to be meeting new people.
You’ve heard numerous horror stories about him. Why the excitement in her introduction?
As he extends his hand to greet you, shake it. Resist the urge to crush it.
Introduce yourself with a smile.
His dazzling smile returns. “Pleasure to meet you. I’m Satan.”
7:45 PM
“Hey, hun!”
“Hun!”
Your girlfriend finds you as you complete your third circuit around the party, pretending to socialize. Earlier, you had been engrossed in conversation with another dog, sharing your life story.
You’re doing splendidly.
“Come with me!” she says, taking your hand and leading you upstairs.
As you enter a large room, the screeching violins from the Psycho shower scene echo:
The space has been transformed into a gigantic game of Twister. Bodies are tangled together, resembling pretzels. People breathe over one another, and garlic knots linger in the air. Remind yourself of the positives.
Tell yourself that Twister is an introvert’s dream come true.
A voice shouts, “He spun red! Place your hand on his inner thigh!”
Your girlfriend stands at the doorway, “Doesn’t this look fun!”
You were feeling chilly anyway. Step inside.
8:22 PM
You’re still entangled in the Twister game.
You bump into Charles, a coworker. Your legs are now delightfully intertwined.
He leans in closely, whispering, “Wow, you’re quite flexible.”
“Shut it, Charles.”