Chapter 1: Understanding Addiction

The unsolicited advice of “Smoking is disgusting, you should stop!” can be quite frustrating.

As a teenager, I firmly believed I didn’t want to smoke. My shirt read, “There are cooler ways to die.” However, at 20, during a tumultuous divorce, I sought stress relief in the unhealthiest way possible: smoking. Quitting was never part of my plan.

Recently, while discussing my anxiety about running out of cigarettes with G$ (The Sturg), he candidly expressed his disgust for smoking. And he's right—smoking is indeed gross. Yet, as a smoker, I find myself torn. I realize I should quit, but the challenge is daunting. The struggle to stop smoking is akin to overcoming any addiction, with the psychological aspects being equally, if not more, significant.

Upon getting sober, I initially intended to quit smoking as well, but medical professionals advised against it. They recommended I tackle my alcohol issue first to avoid overwhelming myself. This advice is echoed in discussions within Alcoholics Anonymous.

My adoptive father was a smoker with emphysema, and I sometimes discovered hidden packs of cigarettes in his car. In an effort to help, I once created a sign that read, “Family: Your anti-drug,” and destroyed his cigarettes, scattering the tobacco on his side of the bed. While my intentions were good, my actions likely didn’t aid his struggle. Eventually, he did quit, but it was a lengthy journey.

My father, wise as he was, understood my desire to quit smoking, but he pointed out that alcohol posed a far greater threat to my life. Cigarettes have never driven me to desperate acts like my alcohol addiction did.

I have attempted to quit smoking numerous times, some efforts deliberate while others were spontaneous. I started with nicotine patches, thinking they would be an easy solution. Instead, they worsened my insomnia and caused an itchy rash at the application site. No matter the brand, I couldn’t find relief.

Next, I tried nicotine gum to address the oral fixation. Unfortunately, the gum and later lozenges led to a burning sensation in my mouth and throat that I couldn’t ignore. I even experimented with carrying straws, a trick my grandmother used, and honey sticks as alternatives, but none were successful.

I also tried butterscotch and cinnamon candies, including sugar-free options due to my dental issues from alcohol. Despite my efforts, nothing seemed to satisfy my cravings. My father had quit cold turkey, a method that works for some, and perhaps that is the route I need to take.

Each failure to quit adds to my stress, perpetuating my reliance on smoking as a coping mechanism. Some find solace in exercise, socializing, or having a drink, but those options are not available to me.

I have gone through the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous multiple times. I understand the process and am ready to embrace it. Yet, similar to my struggle with alcohol, I must be prepared to quit. But why am I not ready?

The straightforward answer lies in my ongoing abusive family situation with Karen. It’s been so challenging that I’m surprised I’ve maintained my sobriety. A strong foundation in recovery is crucial, especially since I have access to alcohol. Quitting smoking now wouldn’t be wise. My therapist emphasizes the importance of harm reduction.

I know the dangers of smoking and the toll it takes on my body, yet this addiction feels less perilous than consuming alcohol. I quote the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book when I say, “To drink is to die.” This isn’t dramatization; it’s a reality. A single drop of alcohol could lead to a rapid spiral into despair for me.

I have a child and a lovable bulldog who depend on me. Regardless of my feelings of depression or physical pain, I am not ready to succumb to despair.

Quinn has a greater purpose, and I refuse to miss the chance to discover it. Despite the slow progress, a flicker of hope persists within me.

There’s no ideal moment to quit an addiction. With alcohol, I often found excuses to postpone quitting, such as waiting until after my birthday or holidays. There will never be a perfect time to quit smoking, but there will be a safer moment.

Financially, I struggle to afford cigarettes, often making them last longer than desired. Just like today, I frequently have to endure cravings until I can purchase more. Getting this post out before my irritability escalates feels like a victory!

If only I had known that my biological father was a smoker who ultimately developed lung cancer. Perhaps that knowledge would have shaped my approach to stress management differently. Learning about his struggles with addiction and heart disease might have altered my perspective.

Yet, had I known, I wouldn’t be able to share my recovery journey today. My personal experiences fuel my resilience in these challenging times.

I genuinely intend to break free from this harmful habit, as it consumes my time, thoughts, health, and finances. Without a coping mechanism for the chaos in my mind, I feel like I might lose control. So, I strive to keep myself grounded.

Can you relate to these feelings? Have you been a smoker? If you quit, how did you find the process?

Love, Quinn

Chapter 2: Insights from Others

In this video, a cigarette smoker reacts to the dangers of smoking, sharing personal insights that resonate with many facing similar battles.

This second video features the CDC’s tips from former smokers, offering practical advice that could help others on their journey to quit.