Navigating the Emotional Landscape: A Year of Avoidance and Realization
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Chapter 1: The Challenge of Embracing Feelings
How often have you heard the advice to accept your emotions? While I can't provide an exact count, it's a sentiment I've encountered countless times throughout my life. It's essentially the cornerstone of mental health: to foster well-being, one must acknowledge and accept their feelings.
However, doing this is often easier said than done! In the wake of the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic, experiencing burnout, facing a severe anxiety crisis, and relocating twice, I made a conscious decision to sidestep my emotions.
Feeling homesick? I simply chose to ignore it! Overwhelmed by the prospect of starting anew in a foreign land? There was no time for reflection—just a flurry of tasks to tackle! Thus, I began to actively evade any feelings that I deemed undesirable.
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Section 1.1: Strategies of Avoidance
I went to great lengths to steer clear of anything that might evoke sadness or introspection. A heart-wrenching film about a dog? Absolutely not! A drama series featuring a devastating plot twist? Not on my watch! Books with heavy themes or profound insights? No thanks.
I also eliminated any sad music from my playlists—especially those tracks that reminded me of my lowest moments. I stopped looking at the photographs I brought from home, which captured memories of my family, childhood, and beloved pets. Nostalgia was an emotion I refused to entertain.
I ceased telling my family how much I missed them, and I would become defensive whenever they expressed their own feelings of longing. This is the aspect I regret most; in evading my emotions, I inadvertently prevented my loved ones from sharing their feelings, inflicting pain on us all.
This behavior stemmed from a desire for comfort. The events from 2020 to 2023 had left me yearning for a safe space, even if it meant sacrificing genuine connections and joy.
But the truth is, discomfort is a part of life. What did I gain by avoiding it? A sense of emptiness and disconnection. I lost my creative spark, and my relationships deteriorated. I had always been sensitive, yet last year, I tried to suppress that part of myself completely.
Section 1.2: The Toll of Avoidance
I was acutely aware of my actions. When someone suggested a drama series, I would proudly declare, "I don’t watch sad things." Yet, I was oblivious to the detrimental impact this avoidance was having on my mental well-being and my relationships.
The first video titled “We're 2 months from going bankrupt, but I pretend things are fine” explores the pressures of maintaining an image while facing financial struggles. It reflects on the emotional toll of pretending everything is okay when it’s not, resonating with my own avoidance of feelings.
Chapter 2: A Christmas Awakening
Christmas in Brazil falls during the summer, which creates a unique atmosphere. During a video call with my family, laughter filled the background as my sister passed the phone around. However, when the phone reached my mother, her eyes welled up with tears.
She sighed and said, "Ai que saudade," a Portuguese expression that conveys a deep sense of longing, mixed with love and nostalgia. After two years abroad, this was the feeling I had been avoiding the most. My immediate response was to deflect: “Oh, let’s not talk about it.”
In the days that followed, a wave of sadness washed over me. I realized I could no longer ignore what I had been feeling. This conversation haunted me, prompting reflection on why I had shunned my emotions and the consequences of such avoidance.
The realization struck me: this behavior made me feel emotionally dead and distanced from my loved ones. I was afraid to reach out, fearing we would both end up in tears. I was merely existing, unable to fully engage with life or my relationships.
The second video, “Every Investing Question, Answered,” discusses how to navigate financial uncertainties, paralleling my own journey of confronting emotional challenges. It emphasizes the importance of addressing issues rather than avoiding them.
Section 2.1: A Commitment to Change
I declared enough was enough! I didn't want my family to think I didn't care about them or their feelings. I wanted to reconnect with my emotions and be whole again.
In the final week of December, I cried more than I had all year, and each tear seemed to bring a sense of healing. I began to unpack my emotions, giving each feeling the attention it deserved. Journaling became a tool for processing my thoughts and feelings.
I resolved to mend the rifts I had created with my loved ones. I reached out, expressed my feelings, and apologized for hiding behind a façade of indifference.
I no longer shun my emotions. Like everyone else, I have days filled with sadness or nostalgia. When powerful feelings arise, I share them, usually with my husband, but I'm also learning to open up to my friends and family.
Section 2.2: Embracing Vulnerability
Sharing feelings can be intimidating; it makes me feel vulnerable. Yet, it also brings a sense of support and love from those around me. The peace that comes from accepting my emotions far outweighs any initial fear.
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