Understanding Anger and Its Impact

I recently came across the insights of a remarkable therapist, Anastasia Gabets, whose work primarily focuses on parenting issues. However, her advice often resonates with a broader audience. With her approval, I’m excited to share some of her thoughts on expressing anger constructively.

For a significant time, I’ve been on a journey to express my anger rather than bottle it up. After engaging with Anastasia’s insights on channeling aggression in a positive manner, I realized substantial improvements in my approach. Here’s what I’ve learned.

In many cultures, particularly those shaped by Soviet and post-Soviet influences, openly expressing anger can feel taboo. For instance, confronting your partner with statements like, “I’m upset because you chose work over family time, and I didn’t save any dinner for you!” can be daunting. Many opt to stay silent, allowing stress to build, or resort to sarcasm as a means of indirect expression.

Unproductive outlets for anger may include passive-aggressive actions, such as using your spouse’s toothbrush for cleaning or "forgetting" their requests around the house. These behaviors, while seemingly harmless, are merely the surface of deeper issues.

When we stifle our anger for too long, it can lead to personal turmoil. Symptoms may manifest as health problems, diminished libido, or feelings of depression, ultimately resulting in emotional detachment. This often stems from a fear of voicing our displeasure: “No, I don’t appreciate this treatment! I am genuinely angry!”

Many couples marry young, often without much contemplation, and find themselves lost in the responsibilities of parenthood. When they finally emerge from the daily grind, they may find themselves face-to-face with a partner they no longer recognize, leading to feelings of entrapment. The thought of divorce, especially with children involved, can be paralyzing, prompting a choice to endure silence instead.

In this scenario, the consequences can be dire: frequent illness, misguided attempts to discipline children, and misplaced resentment towards various external groups or entities. Children often bear the brunt of this misplaced anger, caught in the crossfire of their parents’ frustrations.

So, what can you do? First, it’s essential to acknowledge your anger. Understand that it exists and that you’ve been avoiding it. Write down everything that makes you angry, from grievances about your spouse to frustrations with your boss or neighbors. Don’t hold back; there’s enough anger to go around.

Next, find a physical outlet for those feelings. This can be as simple as going outside and voicing your frustrations aloud or dancing to loud music for 15 minutes. Let your body express that pent-up anger. If you can sustain this for 20-30 minutes, it can be incredibly beneficial. Remember to breathe deeply and release tension from every part of your body.

A sauna session can also help release accumulated stress. Ideally, you could enjoy a traditional Russian banya experience, where a massage with a venik (a bunch of birch twigs) occurs amidst the heat. During this time, let your frustrations out, repeating a mantra about your grievances. Aim to cycle through heat and cool-down periods for maximum relaxation.

Another effective method for releasing anger is simply to cry. Allow yourself to weep freely. Sometimes, watching a poignant film with a glass of wine can help trigger this emotional release.

For those who worry about the consequences of expressing anger, it’s a common misconception that negative thoughts will manifest in reality. This notion has often been employed to control individuals lacking education. If thoughts truly materialized, the world would be a very different place.

An advanced technique is to identify who you’re angry with and communicate your feelings directly. This can be intimidating, especially if you fear they won’t understand. However, the goal isn’t to seek forgiveness; it’s about expressing your feelings in the moment without holding back. Initially, this might not happen calmly, but even sharing your feelings with a therapist can be helpful.

Regarding anger directed at children, it’s crucial for kids to see us as human beings who experience a range of emotions. However, it’s essential to articulate that our frustration isn’t aimed at them but is a response to specific situations. Reassuring them that we will handle our emotions is vital for their understanding.

As adults, we should foster an environment where our children learn to express emotions constructively without feeling responsible for our feelings. Our partners and parents are capable of managing their emotions; our focus should be on parenting our children rather than taking on the emotional burdens of other adults.

If you found this article insightful, feel free to check out the original post (in Russian) and follow Anastasia on Instagram for more valuable insights.