Things people don’t tell you about buying a property

1. It’s not actually that stressful

There’s that popular saying, isn’t there, about how moving house is the most stressful thing a person can do in their life. I think what was more stressful than moving into my new flat was having my big toenail pliered off by a nurse in an A&E in Cardiff last year. No one warned me about that.

2. Solicitors are much worse than you think

Anybody who gets paid an awful lot to write long meandering documents in what is essentially Middle English (but in unpredictable fits and spurts, when they suddenly remember you are their client) deserves all the passive aggressive bad thoughts you send their way.

I knew I was generally supposed to dislike people of the law, but I didn’t fully appreciate why until I actually dealt with some of them in a professional capacity. I am open to being proven wrong.

3. Your fun weekend hobbies will be replaced by trips to Homebase, and you won’t mind

Homebase is a fascinating place. Wicks is okay too (it smells nice), but there’s only so much timber you can look at before it gets a bit samey. Last week I spent the best part of a Saturday morning reading polyfiller pots and I didn’t mind.

4. You spend a lot of time mentally decorating rooms

Daydreaming time I once reserved for the plot of my unwritten novel is now taken up by various colour combinations of wall paint and if I never become a successful author it’s because I bought a flat.

5. It’s the same as it ever was

There’s this thing I’ve realised, as an adult, that actually nothing changes very much. I thought for instance that when I got married I would feel different, like stepping through a magical veil into a slightly different realm but it turns out there’s no slightly different realm. I am still the same person in the same realm except if I want to break up with my boyfriend (husband) I have to deal with a fucking solicitor. And if I make it my entire life without getting divorced, that will be the reason. Same with being a homeowner. It’s still the same vaguely disappointing but happily familiar existence it’s ever been. Don’t worry.

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